Necessary Losses 從失去到成長

我近日在讀Judith Viorst的 "Necessary Losses: The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies and Impossible Expectations that All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Grow"，反思了很多人生必經的階段和心路歷程。成長本來就是痛的，這個道理我很早便了解，或許這是為甚麼我在他人眼中，都要比同年的孩子成熟。成長的代價，對於想早日變成大人的小孩子而言是很難明白的。或許，我們也難以明白當年為甚麼我們都曾經渴望快點變成大人。從在成長中掙扎，到接受生命中種種的失望，我們每天都在經歷理想和現實的分歧，在喜怒哀樂，碰碰撞撞中，學會慢慢的放開，然後欣然的接受現實中的不可能。

本來讀此書的原因是為了幫助一個客人成長，讓她明白成長的種種代價，並希望在最後一節心理治療送上此書鼓勵她離開她的安全塔。豈料在一讀再讀之下，及透過supervision，我發現原來我正在悼念我將要失去的這個客人。經過二十節的治療，我對她終於放棄離開的決定感到失望，在那天她跟我說她要留下來，我感到萬分的無奈，那一刻，那一刻，我的心理變得很複雜。

我從來都沒有想過，我會不捨得一個客。對於我來說，每個客都是重要的，但是她是特別的。也許，在整個過程，我希望成為那個可以帶她離開那個塔的勇者，眼看她跟我說她決定不要走的那一剎間，我有如從高塔墮下。也許，對我來說，那是一個narcissistic injury.

我知道，我也了解生活是她的，我不能過她的生活，我不能為她作決定，所以從那天起，我便在讀Necessary Losses，希望可以用Viorst的智慧鼓勵她成長，面對生命中的危與機，而事實是我要哀悼那種要失去她的感受。今天，我終於明白要讀"Necessary Losses"的人是我，不是她，我要尊重及學會接受客人跟我說「我(暫時)不要某種的改變」。

下個星期是我們的最後一節心理治療，她也是我在學校診所見的最後一個客人。

客人，感謝你讓我成長。
 

Japanese Baked Cheesecake 日式芝士餅

口感很軟滑的芝士餅

材料 Ingredients:

餅底 Crust

(有機)麥片 (Organic) Oats (1 cup)

穀類早餐 Cereal (1 cup) 

牛油 Butter 5 tbsp

起士蛋糕漿 Cheesecake fillings

瑪士卡彭乳酪 Mascarpone Cheese (8 oz)

龍舌​​蘭花蜜 Agave Nectar (2 tbsp) / 糖 Sugar (3 tbsp) 

面粉 Flour (3 tbsp)

蛋 2隻 Egg x2

牛油 Butter 2 tbsp

發泡鮮奶油 Whipping cream 1/2 cup

檸檬汁 Lemon juice 5 tbsp

方法﹕

餅底

1. 把蛋糕紙放在蛋糕盆，蛋糕盆掃上一點水可以幫助蛋糕紙穩定在盆中。

2. 把穀類早餐放在一個保鮮袋中，然後壓碎。

3. 混入麥片搞拌。

4. 加入牛油，再搞拌。

5. 倒入蛋糕盆中，輕輕的用手或湯匙壓下去。

6. 放入冰箱冷卻形固。

7. 預熱烤箱350F

起士蛋糕漿

1. 把瑪士卡彭乳酪 +龍舌​​蘭花蜜+牛油 +檸檬汁+發泡鮮奶油打在一起。

2. 慢慢的加入蛋醬，千萬不要一次過。

3. 最後加入面粉，搞拌好。

4. 把餅底從冰箱拿出來，把以上的起士蛋糕漿倒進去。

5. 把起士蛋糕放進烤箱，烤45分鐘。
6. 冷卻後，再把它冰上1至2小時。然後可以慢用。

Spinach Souffle 菠菜千層蛋

Spinach Souffle 

I saw my supervisor eating something like a spinach "muffin" the other day and I thought it looked healthy.  I learned that it was an Italian dish called "spinach souffle," so I created my own version of it. I think this is quite different from the original spinach souffle and it looks more like a lasagna (without the carbs).

This is fresh from the oven! 

Ingredients:

A pound of spinach 

1 red pepper (diced)

1/2 yellow pepper (diced)

Vermont Cheddar (5 slices, diced) - feel free to add more cheese 

8 Egg whites

3 Egg yolks

1 Portobello (diced)
Milk 1 cup

Salt & Pepper 

Olive oil 2tbsp

Garlic 2 cloves (minced)

Half an onion (diced)

Procedure: 

1. Pour 2 tbsp of olive oil in a heated pan. Add chopped onions in the pan and as they turn brown, add in garlic, portobello and spinach. Cook them slightly and remove excess water resulted from cooking the vegetables

2. Preheat the oven to 350F. Glazed your baking pan with olive oil to prevent the souffle from sticking at it. 

3. Whisk the eggs together. Add salt and pepper, as well as milk. Whisk well. 

4. Mix the diced red and yellow peppers with the mixture (3). Add in (1) and pour them into your baking ware.  

5. Topped with the Vermont Cheddar cheese. Put int the oven and bake for 45 minutes. 

As you can see, it is stacked with tons of veggies. 

烘烤藍莓蘋果麥片 Baked Apple & Blueberry Oatmeal

這個學期順利的結束了，而我在大學的教學也正式完畢了。在暑期課開始及考口試前，我可以暫時舒一口氣，不用改學生的功課實在太好了! 呼!不計暑期兩周的Rorschach Inkblot Test課，這個學期是我博士班最後一個學期，而我終於可以暫別校園的生活，正式的投入全職實習工作，想起真的很是期待呢! 雖然這個星期是放假周，可是我可不能鬆懈，畢竟，我們做研究的本來就沒有說放不放假，還有我要為八月底的論文答辯而努力，所以等一下我便要回辦公室工作。嗯，我要為今天的工作準備一份很健康的早點。


今天很想吃熱熱的水果烘烤麥片，能夠安靜的做菜真的很快樂　: )。

Ingredients:

Oats  3/4 cup
Barley 1/4 cup
Baking powder 1/2 tsp
Salt 1/4 tsp
Nutmeg 1 tsp
Ginger powder 1/2 tsp
Chia Seed 1/8 cup
Soy milk/milk 1 cup
Egg (large) 1
Apple (peel and chop into small pieces) 1
Fresh Blueberry (approximately 1 cup)

* honey/nectar and raisins are optional but you can add them as you eat it.

Procedure:
1. Preheat oven to 375F.
2. Peel and chop 1 apple into small pieces.

3. Boil water and cook barley for 20 minutes, until soft.
4. Mix Oats, salt, nutmeg, ginger powder, baking powder, chia seed, cooked barley, apple and blueberry in the bowl.

5. In another bowl, whisk egg and add in milk or soy milk.
6. Pour (5) into (4) and stir.

7. If you have not been mixing your ingredients in a baking pan, pour the mixture (6) into an non-stick baking pan.
8. Put it in the oven and bake for approximately 40 minutes.

Topped with honey/nectar if you have a sweet tooth. Raisins also enhance the flavor of this hearty breakfast.

You can make it! 留學生也可以煮好飯

3 種材料，15分鐘，速食湯餡餅

亞洲的留學生常常問我為甚麼這麼愛做飯，因為他們都覺得要煮很多東西很複雜，自己也不會煮，最重要是覺得沒有時間。他們說下課回家已經是晚上，有時在圖書館待久了，便很想在外吃，但是常常這樣，消費很高，他們說如果有簡單又好吃的家常菜那有多好呢!

天下間沒有免費的午餐，但有人人都可以做的菜式。煮飯呢，對我來說，是在外國生活最大的樂趣，特別是住在這種人煙絕跡的地方，除了跳Zumba和做Yoga，廚房是我最能減壓的地方。今天不想煮飯，也不想外吃，於是做了這個用15 分鐘便完成的健康晚餐。喜歡簡單的你可以試試看。

材料﹕

1. 一罐蕃茄濃湯 (可用其他口味，如玉米濃湯)

2. Pillsbury 的reduced fat crescent roll dough 2 長方片 (要視乎碗的大小)

3. 少許的冷凍蔬菜，約1/3杯，除個人喜好，可增可減 (我今天用的是有玉米，紅蘿蔔和小蘆筍的) 。

4. 九層塔 Basil 5片 (可省略) 

做法﹕

1. 預熱烤箱350F. 

2. 把湯和蔬菜混在一起，放微波爐熱上2分鐘

3. 我忘了先把湯在微波爐預熱，所以蔬菜還是冰冰的，記得要先預熱湯和蔬菜!把餅皮包在碗上。

4. 沒有技巧，把餅皮包著碗，不用按也不用壓，輕輕的鋪在上面便好。

5.  放入烤箱，烤上15至20分鐘，餅皮變金黃色便可拿出來。

                                       

                                      這個很盪的，要小心吃。因為是蕃茄湯，我放上在家種的新鮮九層塔 。

把九層塔用手撕碎，隨意放在上面。

                                                             今天大家辛苦了，我要用餐啦。

                                     

On being a woman, too 可以和而不同嗎﹖

我的客戶大部份都是女性，富貴的、貧乏的、雙性戀的、異性戀的、同性戀的、年青的、中年的、年老的、我都有遇過，但是以往都沒有一個客人會跟我討論她對自己性別的看法。今天，她回到我的診室，問我﹕「我怎樣做才可以安睡﹖」我反問她﹕「我們怎樣做才能讓你在工作感到較少的壓力﹖」她搖搖頭跟我說她每天工作的艱鉅，那種壓力的味道，那一刻，我在診室感到一種無形的壓迫感，我幫她吐了一口氣。

女人要在職場上顯現自己的能力並不容易，有些人，無論男或女，會不經意貶低女性的能力，就以美國這個民主國家最為嚴重。Sarah Palin曾被嘲諷成最好的自慰物料，希拉利在媒體被指為Bitch，更被人說她因為PMS或更年期影響她的政論，現任的美國第一夫人米雪奧巴馬更被指她揮霍及常常給媒體品評她的衣著...有多少人知道這三個女人默默為國家做的事﹖ 有多少人知道美國現時的抗肥胖症的宣傳活動都是米雪奧巴馬推動的呢﹖ 有多少人會這樣批評嘲諷及品評男人﹖ 難道女人的尊嚴便不重要﹖

我的客人跟我分享當她任職在某公司時，在管理階層中，只有她是女人，其他的高級行政人員都是男人。那時候的女人大部份都只兼任秘書和文職工作。因為她是女人，她說，她要比其他人努力百倍而得到認同，所以她學會了日以繼夜的工作，就算壓力多大，她只可以面對及討好「觀眾」。現在的她年紀大了，健康不如以前，更年期的來臨，促使她不得好好的休養，重新學習照顧自己。可是，她停不了下來，因為這多年的工作模式讓她成了工作狂，她把社會對她的期望都一一內化，那種壓迫成了自己對自己的期望，當她達不到自己或他人對她的期望之時，她對自己感到失望，然後感到惶恐不已，一方面年華老去，另一方面工作迫人，一時間，生活失了平衡點，無形的恐懼成了她決定先學習照顧自已的動力。女人善於照顧他人，但不善於照顧自己，我常常再三的提醒我的女客人。至於男生，我也是說類近的話，特別是在美國社會，文化常常提醒男生需要自給自足，經常保持一副刀槍不入的樣子，實際上他們跟女人一樣也需要一個心靈的依靠。

根據演/進化心理學(Evolutionary Psychology)的理論，因為女生和男生天性的特點，使他們面對不同的「適者生存」問題，如男人要找到能為他繁殖的健康女人(即是具有相當的外表特質，如身材均等，樣貌對稱等) 。女人則要找尋可以為她願意投放資源的男人，畢竟要生一個孩子是十月懷胎的，在懷胎的時候，她需要他人的照顧。這理論認為男女的不同不代表其中一高一低，只是各有所長，進化心理學理論強調兩性的平等。Social Structure Theory卻認為男女的社會角色做就男女心理發展的不一樣。簡單舉一個例子，因為女性通常擔任培育的角色，促使女生較男生會照顧他人，重視關係; 男生卻因為在外工作，需要「戰鬥能力」，以至變得重視權力。這兩理論前者偏重於生物學和進化論，後者著重環境/文化的影響，而事實上兩者都對現代的兩性心理去均有重大影響，相輔相成。

我認為兩性之間，無論是生理或心理，本來就存在著不同。這種差異應該用我們中學時代學習的「和而不同」去適應，而不應該是兩性之間的權力鬥爭。女生要給女生和男生空間，男生也應該給男生和女生空間，探索生存的方法。你踏我一腳，我踏你一腳，我挖苦你，你挖苦我，何苦﹖ 就算講笑，希望大家也不要拿性別來講笑。試想想如果你的孩子日後給稱為「剩女」又好，「剩男」又好，「豬排」好「牛排」好，你還會笑得出來嗎﹖ 大家有沒有想過這樣下去，給加上標籤的自尊會到那裡去﹖ 而不被加上的那一群因為怕會成為outgroup，也只好繼續重覆社會認可的norm，請問有多少人真正的，開開心心的活在那些norm中，又是那些人「允許」那些norm 的存在﹖

請給男生空間，請也給女生空間，讓我們尋找和而不同的世界。

On Being a Woman (1) 小女生在大世界的宣言(上)

對於盛女愛作戰這種節目請採取眼不見為乾淨的態度

Gender dynamics is something that I feel very close to my heart.  I don't think of myself as a feminist and in fact, you will probably find me as one of the most feminine persons in your life. I like to wear make up, do my hair, put on a dress in the summer, read woman magazine and cook a lot. I am soft-spoken, high pitched and gentle. I am also very nurturing, compassionate and other-oriented. I love to look fit and beautiful. Being all of the above never really bother me because that's who I am and I don't need to pretend that I am not.  I am proud to have the above characteristics.

I enjoy being a woman, for the most part. I do believe there are some benefits of being a woman.  For example, we can be emotionally supportive to each other and talk about our feelings most of the time.  On the contrary, men are often not encouraged to discuss their vulnerability publicly in our society. That's unfair and that's the society that we are living in and we got to recognize it. This is an unfair world. I have to repeat this. This is an unfair world. It is naive to think that the world is just. Read the Just world hypothesis if you are not understanding what I am saying.

I was drawn to gender studies when I was still a high school student. I did a small scale study on whether people would prefer to be a boy or girl. My unsophisticated study found that people (high school students) in general would rather be boys than girls. Then I went to college and studied women's power as portrayed in the Powerpuff girls for my final term paper in the Media, Sex & Violence class. Afterwards, I did some field work in a speed dating context and came to write a paper for my anthropology class on sex war.  Yes, when I was 21, I thought men and women were declaring war on each other. I haven't figure out yet the term was "power struggle."

Now, as a psychology doctoral student and a student clinician, I come to be more aware of gender dynamics in my interpersonal relationship, professional life and everyday life.  For instance, using an example that I shared in class today, when I have a male client in my room, I wonder how should I act?  Should I act like an expert, a submissive woman or the gentle usual me?  The weird thing is I never have to think about this question when I am with a female client or with a child. Why is that? If you have not realized yet, that's what we called the power dynamics/struggle between men and women.  (I apologize for not being able to incorporate other sexes here because I have insufficient knowledge background on the other sexes. Being a woman, I am more privilege in that sense.)

I am no expert on gender studies and I am not aspiring to become one.  What I can write is my own experience as a woman and I am not saying that all the women feel and behave the same way as I do. I know that I live in a patriarchal society, no matter I am in Hong Kong or in the United States. That' history and present. That's my fate but I am not going to let it paralyze me. I am here embracing the challenges of being a woman with integrity and dignity, with respect and sensitivity. At the same time,  I aspire to pay my respect to people of different gender and not to oppress them in anyway within my conscious awareness because I know what it is liked to be considered less. I will never name any women as "pork-chop," "Kong women (港女)" or "Sing women (盛女), no matter it is 「盛」or「 剩」" Its disparaging and derogatory. As a former journalism & communication/cultural study/anthropology student, I despise those who use the media to transmit sexist messages. It is irresponsible and for that reason, I use my space in the social media to resist sex discrimination.